One Year Ago Today 12/7/07

I can still remember it all so clearly. On Wednesday, December 5th we were getting a routine ultrasound at our OB's in Chanute. We were excited because we were going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. Trevor was with us and was very excited too! We had tried to find out at our 18 week ultrasound, but we couldn't tell. At our 18 week ultrasound the tech couldn't get a good picture of the spine, but she just said our baby was in the wrong position and nobody thought any more about it.


Now back to the Dec. 5th ultrasound--I remember a few days before the ultrasound being very nervous for it. I remember talking to Travis about this. I was never nervous about an ultrasound with Trevor. I never even thought about the possibility of something going wrong.

The sonogram seemed to be taking a long time, much longer than normal. Then the sonographer said, I just can't seem to get a good look at the spine. I need to have the Dr. come in and take a look. In my heart, that's when I knew that there was something wrong. For Trevor, I knew that I had to remain calm though. I told Travis this is making me really nervous. Trevor picked up on that because on the way home he told his Daddy that made mommy nervous.


The Dr. came in and looked. She looked very concerned, and I had never seen Dr. T. look like that before. She told us that their seemed to be a void in our baby's spine, it just seemed to stop, and that she would have to send us on to a perinatologist to further investigate. The only other thing Dr. T mentioned was that some of the measurements on our baby were small. I had always questioned that my due date was too early so I was in hopes that that was all that was wrong. Then Dr. T left the room to get us set up for our appointment. She didn't really give us the chance to ask any questions. The sonographer gave us hope that maybe they could just not get a good enough picture because of the position of our baby. The nurse came in to tell us the first available appointment was not until the following Monday. I asked her if she could possibly get it for sooner because we didn't think we could wait that long. She got us in for Friday, December 7th. Of course, we were devastated by the news and had so many questions running through our minds. We left the office through the side door so we wouldn't have to see anyone in the lobby.


We were supposed to have a fun day after our appointment and finish up our Christmas shopping. Needless to say that didn't happen. Instead we drove to my sister's house in Iola and searched and searched the Internet for what could possibly be wrong with our baby. We couldn't find very much information, and what we did find wasn't very positive. I don't know how I did it, but I returned to work on Thursday, and tried to pretend as if nothing was wrong, only telling a few people of our news.

Travis and I went to our appointment with the perinatologist at Overland Park Regional on Friday. I had never even heard of a perinatologist before this! We dropped Trevor off at his daycare in Garnett on the way. I was very nervous going into the appointment. I can still picture the sonogram room. It was very stark and cold, so impersonal. No cute pictures of babies hanging up, just a large sonogram machine, a screen for viewing, and a computer. Dr. R. began the sonogram and within a minute or two said, "we have a serious problem." I of course start crying. Dr. R said I need you to remain calm so I can explain. He then went on to explain how our baby had a clubfoot. He said that's not a big deal and can be fixed. But then he went on to explain and try to show us how our baby was missing a large part of the spine. He then showed us all the basic body parts, organs, etc... He said he was going to refer us on for a heart echo because he couldn't get a good view of the left side of the heart. Dr. R said that he had never seen this condition before and that he was going to have the other Drs come in and take a look as well. So two other perinatologists came in and said they agreed with what Dr. R was seeing. Of course, neither of them had ever seen this before either. Then Dr. R said, I am going to go look it up in my book to see if there is a name for this condition. He came back in a few minutes with his medical book and gave us a diagnosis of Caudal Dysplasia Sequence.


He went on to say that our baby had a good chance of being stillborn, and that if it was born alive, we would just have to wait and see what we were dealt with then. He gave us many negatives of this condition and not one single positive thing was said. We left the office that day devastated and heartbroken. We drove home in shock, fear, and feeling hopeless. We called some of our family and told them the news on the phone. Then we went and told Travis's parents. I called my school so they could let everyone know there. We later picked up Trevor at daycare and then went to my sister's house for some support. At my sister's house I made phone calls to friends. This was truly the most difficult day of my life so far. I kept thinking that I was never going to get to hold our baby alive. It just sounded like too large of a problem. I remember telling my dad that I don't know how a baby can live missing that much of their spine. That's when my dad said, God knows what's best for your baby, and we have to leave it in His hands. That was comforting to me, and a reminder of who was truly in control.

That weekend we just hung out at home. Travis and I decided that their had to be a reason for this, that we had to move on for Trevor and our baby, and that we knew that God was in control of the situation, and if we placed our faith and trust in Him that He would see us through and take care of us no matter what the outcome. Believe me this was not always easy. I didn't always feel like it. But I know we can't base our faith on how we are feeling, especially in those most difficult of times. These our the times when we have to cling to God's promises.

My sister sent out an email requesting prayer for our situation. It was amazing how quickly it circulated, and we had so many people praying for us, many of whom we had never met. The prayers of so many are what allowed us to have an amazing sense of peace during this trying time. For that we are so grateful!

This is getting rather lengthy so I will journal on some of our other pregnancy experiences later. We want to thank everyone for the unending support and love that you have shown us through our whole experience. On that day a year ago, I would have never imagined that today, I would be holding our gift from God. Thank you Jesus!